Fuck the government, I love you

But all he felt was sick when Takahiro leaned back over him, kissing him as he touched himself until he came with a loud cry, hot and thick all over Tooru’s chest. And that made his throat close up as he wrapped his arms around his lover, pressed him close, and closed his eyes. Something’s wrong. This isn’t right. 

[...]

Tooru gasped, tried to breathe, as he jerked the pillow into his face, hiding away from those prying eyes. Instead he tried desperately to focus on something, on anything else. Something other than the overwhelming disgust that twisted his gut into knots, that made him whimper as his hips canted away at the intrusion of a second finger, even though it didn’t hurt. The kisses Takahiro smoothed over his stomach only made it worse, made his mouth drop open in a silent wail.
Just enjoy it! Get over yourself! You fucking idiot, just- just- 

[...]

He didn’t know what he wanted. Couldn’t tell if he wanted more, for the climax to finally come and just end it, or if he wanted Takahiro off right now.

[...] 

Tooru nodded. Sucked another breath down to steel himself. “I don’t… Having sex. It makes me feel… bad.”                      
“It does?” Takahiro said softly. Tooru nodded stiffly. Every part of him felt fragile, unbearably so. Like a whisper of air could shatter him into pieces. “How so?”
“It… I feel really bad. Like I’m gonna be sick. It’s… really uncomfortable and I don’t… I hate it. It makes me feel awful, and- and… and I’m so sorry, I just- I tried, but I can’t- I can’t be normal .” The words were whimpered, pushed out with shuddering breaths and a few fresh tears. 
But the hands on his cheeks tightened, lifted his face until Tooru opened his eyes and looked. Tear-filled eyes met him. He wheezed, tried to speak, but nothing came out as he gaped at Takahiro, who sniffled wetly. “I didn’t notice…” he whispered, “I didn’t… I should have noticed, Tooru, oh my God, baby-”
“ No ,” he gasped, “It’s not your fault! I-I kept telling you it was okay when it wasn’t, and I’m just a f-freak and-”
“Tooru, baby, no-”
“ Yes, Takahiro, I-”
A hand clapped over Tooru’s mouth and they both froze, staring at each other with fresh tears in their eyes, chests heaving for air. Takahiro bit his lip, but his eyes didn’t stray as he looked Tooru in the eye, unwavering. “Tooru, you are not a freak. Absolutely not. It’s perfectly normal to not like sex and- No, please, let me talk. It’s okay. There’s a term for that. It’s called asexual and- have you not heard of that?”
Tooru hesitated, shook his head. A weak laugh rattled out of Takahiro. His thumb ran along Tooru’s cheek bone, a gesture that eased the ball of tension heavy in Tooru’s chest, and he pressed his lips to Tooru’s forehead for a chaste kiss before he leaned back and they looked at each other once more. Takahiro smiled softly as he nodded. “Yeah, asexual. Those are people who don’t feel sexual attraction. Some of them can even be sex repulsed.”
“Oh…” It made sense - a lot of sense. And it left him blinking at Takahiro for a long moment before his mouth opened again. “So… I’m not broken?”
Takahiro smiled faintly. “No Tooru, you’re not.”

Hanaoi Week 2017 | Close (To Breaking) |FariyLights101 | archiveofourown.org

Das war ein hartes Stück zum lesen.
Weil das genau ins Schwarze trifft, genau so habe ich mich mit meinem Exfreund gefühlt.
Nur, dass wir nie ein solches Gespräch hatten.
Ich hab ihm gesagt, dass mir das total unangenehm ist und ich es eigentlich nicht will,
und er hat angefangen zu heulen und mir gesagt, dass ihn das in seinem Ego verletzt, wenn ich ihn so abweise.
Deswegen haben wir es dann weiterhin getan.

Good ol' times.